Sucks To Be Me
by Teresa Martin
Summary: Robin Hood journals his way through Season Three. He may not quite be the Mr. Nice Guy he's led us to believe he is. This is purely written for fun and is most certainly not to be taken seriously!
1. Chapter 1

Worst Day Ever…

Well, sucks to be me again. I was minding my own business (first mistake I know) and having a nice little walk with my besties when a stupid screeching monster started flying around. I had a really good shot of it until two women got in the way. I yelled at them to get down—they were totally blocking my shot- and finally hit the creature. I was seconds away from making a clean escape, when I realized I was standing right next to them, so did the polite thing and offered to help them up.

It all went to hell after that.

I mean, dammit, I had just had the most peaceful weeks of my life. All of the people who #$%* everything up were gone! I had never been happier to see the back…side of someone ever when Neal had flown off with the shadow creature.

I had an awesome castle to myself, and we were all FINALLY left alone!

It was awesomeness.

Yes, indeed. All is fun and games until you offer to help a broad up from the ground.

The Evil Queen and worse, Snow White. That could only mean two things: doom and misery. I couldn't even snark my way out of it because that Queen was fine! And wearing an unnaturally tight corset with a low neckline.

Well played, Evil Queen. Well played.

Then Neal was all there being cute in a puppy dog kind of way. But Belle! Also wearing a tight corset with low neckline.

What is wrong with these women?

That is not playing fair with a man who for years has only seen women in dresses made of potato sacks.

Marian included (may she rest in peace).

So I "did the right thing" and stuck around silently chanting *eyes on their faces...eyes on their faces*

Sucks to be a man sometimes.

Just hoped I could get them to their stupid castle and make my retreat as fast as possible.

No such luck.


	2. Chapter 2

Worst Day Ever Part Duo…..

All illusions of returning to my happy life ended when the Evil Queen discovered a blocking spell keeping her out of the castle. Before I could think of a Plan B for escape, I took my eyes off the Queen's face and the ensuing view started me thoughtlessly singing all the benefits of our dwelling in Sherwood Forest like a minstrel in a tavern.

After such a shameful fail, I was determined to hang around Snow White since she for some reason is covered from neck to foot in the largest dress and cloak ever. I hope they're not as flammable as they look. There are a lot of cooking fires back at our camp. This could end badly.

[*Note To Self* have a frank talk with Snow White before she flames up like a human torch.]

Then even she abandoned me, trying to chat to the Queen about something. So I oh so casually went to the back of the procession and was about ready to start brainstorming with Little John about how we could ditch them while saving face, when I heard that damned screeching again.

And Roland was right in its path.

It was obviously targeting the Queen, but all is fun and cleavage until my boy is in the path of a flying monkey.

Then she (EQ for short from now on) actually ran and rescued my boy, turning the monster into some fluffy toy thing which she handed to Roland with the sweetest smile ever as I was holding him.

Damn!

This latest attack revealed to all that there was some sort of Wicked Witch behind it all [WW from here on out]. I barely had time to rejoice that this meant the band of disaster would stay away from my home, before I realized we might get sucked into actually helping defeat her.

Oh no. Oh hell no.

EQ then was all going into the castle as a "one-woman job" and taking care of it.

Thanks be!

But something nagged at me.

Uh oh…

What if she sucks at breaking into a castle?

That did it.

EQ was so not going alone. I am the freakin' Prince of Thieves and break-in artist. I decided to team up with her and make sure this plot succeeded. Once she got in there and took WW out, that would be the end of it!

I waited until it was dark, and then followed her.

This was going to end.

Tonight!


	3. Chapter 3

**Worst Day Ever Part Trio**

I trailed behind EQ at a safe distance. Suddenly she stopped. I held my breath. Did she sense me? But no, she was lifting up the largest boulder ever with her magic and slung it aside.

I immediately lost all coherent thought. If she could do that to a boulder…..

And that slip was what made her aware of me. I bluffed my way around it, talking about some sort of debt to her for saving my son.

Chicks like men who are protective of their kids.

Then I added icing to the cake by obliquely complimenting her for having a soft spot for children.

Success!

Next thing I know I was walking through a tunnel with her and going all "don't want my son to lose a father."

So she asked about Marian (may she rest in peace).

Score!

I mentioned my wife was dead, and it was my fault. Just piled on the pathos. I saved the best for last and used the "EQ has the touch of a mother" line.

That had her tearing up and emoting.

This was going better than I thought. We were after all alone in a castle and she had us heading to her chambers. Even better, there were various clothes and underclothes scattered about. I almost didn't catch that she was brewing some dark potion thing.

Now I'm not always a man to say no to something a little "different," but I draw the line at dark magic. I aimed an arrow, but she froze me to the ground. After talking her into letting me go, she admitted she was planning on Sleeping Cursing herself.

I stepped forward and said, "I can't let you do this." There was no way this glorious body was going to be wasted on a sleeping curse. But since using that as a reason might not help my cause, I instead started babbling about second chances.

Unfortunately, she didn't listen to me, and, freezing me again, I was helpless to stop her.

Well, Belle is quite the looker, and Rumplestiltskin **is** dead….

But then EQ came back in about an hour, all happy. That was quite the relief. But then she told me she had found a reason to live: someone to destroy.

All relief left my face.

%$ &amp;!

What if she was talking about me?


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm not dead yet.**

Nope. It wasn't me. WW is who EQ wants to destroy. So I still have hope of coming away from this latest encounter with the Band of Disaster [BOD for short from here on out] alive.

But then I found out EQ is WW's sister! And she still wants to destroy her. This BOD is full of lunatics!

Speaking of lunatics….

Well, scrap that idea about Belle being my "second chance" if Regina didn't work out.

After I settled Roland into bed (unfortunately the Merrie Men all voted to stay in the castle until WW is dead), I ran into Belle in the library. Apparently she had raided EQ's liquor cabinet and was sucking spirits down like a fish. She had also changed into some…bloomers? With a men's sports outer coat.

She slurred every word, and then burst into tears saying that "Lacey" was still with her.

I was frozen again, this time not from EQ's magic, but sheer horror.

Who is this "Lacey" person?

I worked up the courage to ask, and she continued her crying jag, going on about losing her memories from "crossing the town line," getting cursed by looking at a rabbit set of match-sticks and….. and I just tuned out after that, slowly backed away ….

So it's back to EQ.

She is still as fine as can be, though she always snaps at me like a crocodile that's having its "female time."

But man…

*see "she is fine!*

So I'll take some psychological abuse. For some reason I feel like it will all pay off in the end.

And I have Roland. EQ has really taken a liking to him and she's always mothering and spoiling him and….

Wait a second!

Is she messing with me?

Who's trying to seduce who here?

Little John almost brought me to my senses. He told me all about how this was a disaster waiting to happen, EQ was bad news…

I answered, "Every person we meet is 'bad news', why not get something out of it for once?"

He started to argue, but stopped and said, "Good point, mate! Go for it!"

And have some mercy! My wife has been dead for a long time (may she rest in peace).

Except I was never able to catch EQ alone and whenever she did bother to talk to me it was always to snark about everything from my clothes to my "forest smell."

But then, if she didn't like me she'd ignore me. Right?

After two months of this, I finally got a message that EQ wanted to reward me for helping to break into the castle.

Hopefully this "reward" will be worth all the crap I've taken from her.

I headed up to her with high hopes.

I should have known better.


	5. Chapter 5

**Gold Tipped Arrows**

Yes. Gold tipped arrows.

Not that I have anything against gold tipped arrows….

But GOLD TIPPED ARROWS?

*Sigh* so off I went to the armory/stable whatever place to stash them.

And come across Charming chugging.

Chugging big time!

I'm surrounded by a bunch of drunks! No wonder they screwed things up to high heaven for all of us!

Sober royalty do plenty of damage, but drunken?

I was about ready for a nice WTF, and then I saw these awesome blue eyes, being all chummy with me and…

And now I'm in a bromance.

I wasn't in the mood for a romance, let alone a bromance, but this BOD seem to be experts at both.

The "After I lost my wife" line came out before I knew it, one that I usually save for the ladies.

I gotta get out of here!

But dammit, it still is the best place for my kid, so I got rid of Charming by taking a sip from his flask and then sending him off to get high on a plant far, far away.

This should buy me at least a day away from him.

It's bad enough that I am now completely obsessed with EQ, I don't need, or want, any more friends.

I like the friends I have, thank-you-very-much, and they don't suck me into ways in which I might die a slow, painful death.

So I made my exit as quickly as possible and, not wanting to see EQ, I sought out the oldest lady I could find.

Granny.

Well-named and quite the shot with a cross bow.

So I spent the first peaceful day since I met this BOD with an old lady.

I made a date to target practice with her again the next day.

Heck, I may hang with her every day!

Later, I saw EQ making a beeline for me, looking like she wanted to bawl me out-goodness knows for what this time- I quickly grabbed Roland and told him to attack her with cute.

Crisis averted.

I'm now going to bed for a much needed escape.

This lot is going to be the death of me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Out All Night**

Apparently Charming "found his bliss" because as we were all about to retire Snow White was complaining that Charming disappeared and hadn't come back.

There was no way I was going to rat out him out.

Bro before Snow.

When he wasn't back the next morning I was far from thinking of avoiding him, and rather planning to hear about the most fun he's ever had in his sad life.

That plant is sweet!

But still no Charming after breakfast. Then, for no reason whatsoever, I got a message that everyone and their grandmothers (literally) were to randomly hang out in the royal assembly hall.

Not that I was complaining because the food is always great, and EQ was standing near Belle, so I mosied over to "talk to Belle" (who thankfully was more Belle than Lacey) to get closer to EQ. She was still wearing the same dress. I must admit I am rather intrigued to imagine what her other clothes look like when she decides to change.

I've imagined a lot.

Then suddenly a tween came in with Charming and next thing you know there was a big happy family reunion. Snow was surprisingly forgiving of Charming …wish I could hear his excuse, but no such luck. Then before I knew it EQ was gone and Belle was hitting the liquor.

Total fail in more ways than one.

Geez, something had better happen soon or else I may die of boredom…


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm Dying Here!**

Oh for the love of everything…NOTHING has happened. NOTHING! Not with EQ, not with WW, not with ANYTHING!

This BOD is the most worthless and inactive group of people I have ever met.

The Merrie Men and I got so bored that we started stealing from them and randomly placing the items around the castle, placing bets on how long it took for the items to be found.

It takes a shocking length of time.

Needless to say, EQ is the exception. We don't mess with her and it's not because of the distraction her change of clothes has created. It's more like she may be all "Changed," but nobody wants to be the person (and victim) to make her relapse.

And boy do I miss Belle. Yes, Lacey freaked me out, but at least it was something to talk about. She and Neal went off to the Dark Castle for goodness knows what, and I so would have joined them if it weren't for Roland, my boy from dear Marian (may she rest in peace). And also …. well… there was also a nagging feeling of doom that seemed to emit from every pore when I was around them, especially Neal.

Roland of course is always a delight, especially because he is great as EQ bait. It's the only way I can see her to "admire" her new dresses. But then she started recycling her wardrobe, so even THAT got old. Picking fights with her is still fun, but I can never seem to get beyond that.

*Sigh*

I'm not sure what I would do if it weren't for Granny. Besides target practice, I also help her wind the wool she uses to knit listening to her stories of her time as a werewolf.

At least somebody is fun around here.

I am so desperate I've even resorted to praying in the chapel with Friar Tuck, begging the Almighty to have something, ANYTHING, happen.

No luck even there.

I think I'm going to bed now to just cry.


	8. Chapter 8

**Something Happened!**

I can't believe it! Yes, something actually happened! I was invited to a little meeting with the royals to discuss a plan of action.

Yes! Action!

I was certain to have my bow and arrows with me, because I am just that awesome. And I was seated close to EQ!

She had to start in on me though and ask why I was still there. I replied that I was saving her arse.

Because it is certainly one worth saving.

When they started talking about going to the Dark Castle, I jumped on the chance to go along, pointing out my superior break-in skills as well as the fact that I lived there.

EQ was all against it, but Snow came in on my side.

I couldn't resist giving EQ a little S*&amp;^ grin.

Then we were off!

The journey was more fun than anything ever! No magic transporting, just old fashioned hanging out with EQ. Every day something new to "look" at.

And yes, I picked fights with her every day. She just rises to the bait so easily.

I also talked a lot with Belle. Feel bad for her with that whole Rumple-back-but-WW-got-the-dagger-and-Neal-disappearing-inside-his-dad thing.

But it was over all too soon. We arrived and EQ went straight for the door, wouldn't listen to my warning, so I shot an arrow against the door.

A lot of . . . frustration was in that move.

She got all mad at me then, so I got all mad back and….and dammit this is just…. just…

But then Belle got the Dark One to say some sort of riddle, and before I knew it I was ditched again while EQ went off with the Charmings to follow the lead.

When they got back they were all evasive and avoiding everyone so I just stomped off to my room.

I am sooooo done with this BOD. Whatever they're doing, or not doing, I'm done with it.

Tomorrow I'm going to tell them, then . . .

Hey! What's that huge billowing dark cloud coming this way?

Oh no.

They didn't.

I swear I'm going to ki-….…


	9. Chapter 9

**Worst Day Ever**

I have absolutely no idea what happened. One second I was minding my own business (first mistake I know) with my besties and next thing I know I'm waking up in a tent, freezing and apparently in a new world!

My men were as confused as I, so before we panicked we decided to spend a good hour looking over our camp, familiarizing ourselves…. then nature called.

And I discovered…The Zipper!

Best thing ever!

We spent the next six hours engaged in lessons in rhetoric about the convenience, joys, and the brilliance of not having to use buttons.

If we ever get back to the Enchanted Forest, I am so bringing this invention with me.

Once you've tasted such freedom, you can never go back!

After hours of this, we finally got around to discussing how we got here. Obviously it was The Evil Queen's curse. She did it again apparently! But this time she brought us with her and that is unforgivable.

I mean, dammit, I had just had the most peaceful weeks of my life. All of the people who #$%* everything up were gone! I had never been happier to see the back…side of someone ever when Neal had flown off with the shadow creature.

I had an awesome castle to myself, and we were all FINALLY left alone!

It was awesomeness.

Wait….why do I have a sense of deja vu?

This is all very disturbing.

We have to get to the bottom of this. The town of Storybrooke could be seen off in the distance.

Now there was no way in hell I was going to risk my life, so I sent a few Merrie Men to scope out the situation.

For some dumb reason they always do what I tell them to.

And I'm not complaining.

Waiting, I devoted some time to Roland who was surprisingly accepting of the new surroundings.

He loved the zipper too.

That evening the scouts finally returned.

It appears that everyone in Storybrooke is incredibly confused. They thought that they were going to the Enchanted Forest, but woke up in bed like a normal day.

Except they brought us poor bastards this time.

Word is that The Evil Queen is behind it, even though she has been vehemently denying it.

*Sigh*

Well, I suppose before I get more worked up with this, I'm going to go to sleep in my tent with the sincere hope that this is the worst nightmare I've ever had, and will wake up at home.

No such luck.


	10. Chapter 10

Worst Day Ever Again

Well, woke up and wasn't in a cozy castle with servants and ale with breakfast.

And still freezing to death.

Though the Merrie Men were all abuzz about something.

Apparently on their field trip, the scouts found something called "condoms." With wide awes, they told us what they did.

There was a long pause.

"You know what this means? " Little John finally said in awe, "we don't have to marry them anymore!"

"And we don't even have to pay!" the scout exclaimed, "It's the law here that folks have to pay for them! And if people won't pay, even if they're nuns, they get taxed out of existence!"

Ok, I've changed my mind. Maybe this isn't such a bad place.

Actually, maybe I've just died and gone to Heaven.

But then there were rumblings about a "Supreme Court" saying it was illegal or something. But I'm confident we'll be able to take them out and blame it on the rich or something….

Then we were jolted out of our love and joy by Little John bragging about a "crossbow" that he stole from a small shop owner who he told himself was rich.

We teased him a bit about his bad aim at a turkey.

But all is fun and shooting until a foul beast swooped from the sky and lifted Little John up into the Great Blue Yonder.

Damn!

So this means I need to be a leader and help find him.

There must be some sort of decent law and order to assist here, right?

Right?


	11. Chapter 11

**What the &amp;% $ ?**

We were hurling at amazing speed, squished together in some sort of "truck."

Even though I knew I was with "the law," I was confused. I asked the woman who she was.

"I'm the sheriff."

Ah.

I turned to the Prince, "And who are you"

"I'm the sheriff, too."

Ok.

"The name's David," he held out his hand to shake.

David? I thought his name was James!

I was almost afraid to ask, but couldn't help myself, "What about Queen Snow?"

"Oh she's still the Queen," David replied.

"So you're the prince, too?" I asked.

He hesitated, "Uh, I think so."

Oh dear.

He seemed to think hard, "And Emma's a princess too. She's my daughter."

WTH?

I gulped, and turned towards the freak with the hook, "And what are you, here?"

"I'm a pirate."

A pirate?

And then against my better judgment I inquired about the big one: "What about the Evil Queen? Wasn't this her curse?"

"She's the Mayor," Emma answered, "I think. Is she, Dad?"

"I guess." He was looking confused.

Now I remember why we were so happy that the curse took this Band of Disaster away (BOD from here on out). These people are insane! And still in charge of our destinies, aka ruining our lives.

Next thing I know they were warning me about not crossing the town line. I believed them on this one. I described what had taken Little John, a beast with wings.

"Sounds a lot like the monster that tried to attack me in New York," Emma commented.

The pirate snarked, "The Monster you were going to marry?"

"You were going to marry someone?" David accused.

She was going to marry a monkey?

OMFG!

Before I could say that it was fine, we'd get Little John ourselves, we found him.

And then were racing to the hospital.

I would have been in awe of the strange building with all its whirring monstrosities, but I was still following Little John, worried about what would happen to him in these nutters' care.

And then Little John started spasming.

Were they killing him?!

Before I could figure out whether to just get John the hell away, he proceeded to morph into a monkey, and then flew away.

Holy % #^!

I quickly made my exit and ran for my life back to camp.


End file.
